I have been and continually work on my controlling tendencies or need to control. I’ve discovered over the years that much of my need for control almost always stemmed from fear. Fear of loss, fear of hurt, abandonment, shame, etc. So I would try to exert control over a situation or circumstance or feeling to give me the desired outcome-or at least one that didn’t involve any of those things previously listed. Now, I don’t feel the need to attempt to control circumstances per se but I am still working on still feeling the need to control how my life is going to fully unfold even though I know that one must
surrender to the unfolding
I can feel myself doing the dance of control vs. surrender with myself and in my communication to the Universe. It almost always seems to be a head vs. heart experience while I fully understand that the balance is in the joining-not the dividing and compartmentalizing-of the two.
I’ve come to understand and learn, about myself, that the desire to control the unfolding lies in a the desire for a specific outcome. But-just like the outcome-control is out of our reach. It’s like a dangling carrot that we’re somewhat programmed to believe that we CAN grab! We’re usually told that if you do A then B will happen. And oftentimes, that can seemingly hold true, which I think only serves to reinforce the narrative of a predictable (and therefore potentially controllable) outcome.
but the A to B model doesn’t account for the X Factor!
If you’ve been on this earth long enough to have had an experience EVER then you know the X Factor is always at play. We are living in an ever flowing, ever moving, ever changing dynamic energy system. The most non-linear existence in all actuality so A to B doesn’t usually ever pan out because of the X Factor.
Honestly, Outkast put it so simply and so spot on: You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather.
Could a single phrase really do any better at encompassing the notion of control being a complete farce?! That’s the dance of Action vs. Outcome. Planning vs. Predicting.
Think of this picnic: Now, because it rained (even though you couldn’t truly predict that) should you have never planned the picnic? Some may look back with hindsight and say the picnic shouldn’t have been planned-but I say “Why not?”
Because, now, let’s examine where we are when we say why not and we don’t worry about what we had planned. When we surrender to the flow, the unfolding, the X Factor, and we let go for the need to control the outcome.
We are here. We are present. We are presence.
Instead of looking back and feeling the need to control the outcome (living in woulda shoulda coulda land-which is desolate, nothing grows there, don’t hang out there too long if you can help it!) When we engage with the present circumstance as opposed to fixating on the control of a desired outcome; we summon our power to pivot. We can pivot from the point of where we are. So what does that look like for our rained out picnic? Maybe you roll out a blanket in the living room and picnic there, maybe try that new restaurant down the street instead, or maybe take a nap until the rain stops and picnic later…you get the picture.
Presence gives you the possibility to pivot.
This is a continual practice, it’s easier said than done. Easier imagined than practiced. And easier to know than to feel.
Do you have the desire to control the outcome or situations in your life? Are there any practices that you employ to allow yourself to surrender to the unfolding? Does that make you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, light, breezy? Let me know! I would love to hear your thoughts on this!